Boundaries in NLP: Part 1 – What They Are and Why They Matter
Let’s talk about boundaries. Not the kind you draw on a map or fence off with barbed wire—I’m talking about personal boundaries. The invisible but powerful lines we draw around ourselves to protect our emotional, mental, and even physical space. You might not think of Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP) as your go-to tool for boundary setting, but trust me, it’s a bit of a secret weapon
So, what are boundaries, really? In everyday terms, boundaries help define what is okay and what is not okay in our interactions with others. They’re the rules we set to honour our values, energy, and time. But many of us were never taught how to set them properly—or worse, we were taught that having boundaries is selfish. Enter NLP, which gives us a new way to understand and communicate boundaries clearly, confidently, and kindly.
At its heart, NLP is all about the way we use language (both verbal and non-verbal) there are blogs on this site that delve into Pre- Suppositions and these define your attitude towards therapy but it doesn’t need to stop there, boundaries help to shape our thoughts, feelings, and behaviours. And setting boundaries is all about communication—both with others and with ourselves.
Let’s start by looking at the internal process of boundary-setting, because that’s where it all begins. NLP teaches us that our internal representations—how we mentally “Do” situations I said “Do” because how each individual “Does” things internally varies with what representational system they have adopted to or adapted to, many will see (Visualise) other’s will sound off (Auditory) whilst others will do what feels right (Kinaesthetic).
So how we mentally adapt to situations —affect our emotions and actions. For example, if thinking about saying “no” to someone brings up a mental image of them looking upset or disappointed, that could cause a feeling of guilt or fear, and we might back down. But what if we changed that picture?
In NLP we say that “the meaning of any communication is the response you get.”
This is where NLP techniques like Representational Systems and sub-modalities come into play. By changing how we see, hear, or feel a situation in our mind, we can change our emotional response. So instead of visualising someone reacting badly when you assert a boundary, you could visualise them nodding respectfully or even thanking you for your clarity. It sounds simple— a bit too simple but it’s surprisingly powerful.
NLP also teaches us that “the meaning of communication is the response you get.” If you tell someone, “I’m really busy this weekend,” and they still expect you to help them move house, there’s a communication gap. NLP helps us take ownership of that gap and close it—by making our language clearer, more direct, and more aligned with what we actually want.
This blog series is going to dig deep into how NLP can help you become a boundary-setting ninja—without guilt, shame, or drama. In this first post, we’ve introduced the idea that boundaries are an internal process before they become an external action. NLP gives us the tools to adjust our mindset and communicate more effectively.
In the next blog, we’ll look at specific NLP techniques like anchoring, reframing, and sensory acuity that can help you not just set boundaries—but feel rock-solid while doing it.
Until then, have a think: where in your life are your boundaries a bit blurry? And what would it feel like to draw that line—not to keep others out, but to keep yourself safe, clear, and respected?
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