How Yoga Helped Me – giggle-gazette.com

Sally Ann-Jovi was a yoga instructor, and I would regularly attend her hot Yoga classes, I always found her more attractive when she would, lie on her yoga mat and then put her ankles behind her ears with her gold anklets beckoning me ..alas I could taste heaven being in a room full of hot sweaty ladies…and even more so as an instructor (I qualified in record time)…It is one of the very few places a male of such low breeding like me can tell a woman to spread her legs and she obliges willingly …(I did keep yoga straps and blocks for the more resistant students).

The great thing about Yoga is that most participants follow in some way the belief in reincarnation and therein lies a great opportunity for most guys…you see most participants believe in reincarnation which means a belief in past lives and as a speed seducer you are taught to quickly build rapport with your next conquest …so hold on to your boxers as I will explain my encounter

I always kept an eye out for the more gullible western yogi participants, you know, the hot blonde, mostly with bits of coloured thread tied to her wrists, a few cheap stainless steel bangles and the odd anklet, usually the hippy sort who were mostly vegan and refused to wear deodorant…

I would approach these poor hatchlings and after offering to buy them a decaffeinated walnut mocha with goji berry infused non lactose vegan cream.

“Namastay, have we met before? I sense this strong aura and positive energy reverberating from our chakras”

Most of the responses would be an emphatic somewhat infatuated and always startled.

I always paid for the drinks as for all of my lady friends it would Costa them a lot more….

I’m not proud to admit it, but when you put a wolf amongst the sheep, he will have his wicked way, that was the day when I asked Sally Ann-Jovi my yoga instructor out for a coffee and a chat.

Now Sally had all the hall marks of a “yoga groupie” as mentioned before, a lingering whiff of body odour, pre-loved woollen clothing covered in pet hairs, slight yellowing teeth from the copious amount of turmeric tea she drank…and she was blonde…God she was beautiful.

After one quiet class, I approached her and asked if we could meet up for a drink mentioning there was a great little Costa coffee shop that offered all sorts of vegan options. (I left no option for a refusal!)

We met a few days later at a nearby Costa Coffee. I always paid for the drinks as for all of my lady friends it would Costa them a lot more….

So picture this, it’s a crowded cafe full of white middle-aged women all chucking down copious amounts of chai and chomping down bushels of avocado and poached egg toasties.

We sat down and proceeded to make small talk, the weather, styles of Yoga, travelling to India, the River Ganges and finally then I manoeuvred for the kill.

“Sally, as I mentioned a few days ago. I get this irresistible feeling that we met in a past life. I apologise but I find myself so attracted to you…”

I then paused (like the great Osho) and just stared at her waiting for Sally to respond.

That was it that’s all I, the guru needed to hear. I could see myself resplendent in an orange saffron robe with bright yellow flip-flops surrounded by dutiful, beautiful, scantily adorned ladies queuing up to put garlands of flowers around my neck under the shade of a Ji-enormous statue of Ganesh with his massive trunk erect into the heavens. I had once again come I mean arrived!!!

I looked into Sally’s piercing blue eyes, she looked resplendent with her golden hair loosely adorned like a lion’s mane, her highlighted locks added an air of magnificence. Her low cut top hinted at the most amazing pearls of wisdom, constrained, trapped under a layer of cotton blend fabric, such learning needed to be devoured, such focusing and determination required so as not to miss a heavenly millimetre of flesh…those breasts, those bad boys, those beauties were a sight to behold, like the crown jewels glistening in their own radiant beauty… like the breath-taking snowy peaks of the Himalayas except Sally’s would be warm to the caress to the touch…I looked down at my gnarled grubby paws, in shame, how could these appendages caress such a perfect soul?…my mind was in a heavenly abode as thoughts of love, scantily dressed, little cherubs floated around me blowing bubbles..

Sally Ann-Jovi glared up and at me like a hostage who had managed to break free from her bindings and now she possessed a shard of glass. I was dumb-founded, blind-sided, taken off guard all at once and momentarily…

Sally turned on me as fast as any council-house single mum who had misplaced her packet of custard creams would, her once tempered voice rose from a subdued dove at the slaughter table to a banshee.

But this was not the yes of a chloroformed victim who had a shot of my home brewed Rohynol…

Oh no, this was a “yes” a battle cry of a banshee her fingernails dug into my wrist followed by a swift slap to my cheek with her free hand. Now some of you degenerates would pay for this experience, but I’m a gentleman and it hurt.

“Yes you bass..turd I remember you clearly.. We live in a small village by the river Ganges we had a small farm and we were married with 7 children, all girls but you wanted a effin’ boy. You still hadn’t enough and kept me locked up in a shabby hut tied to a post…and would take advantage of me and she finished with:

(I swear, to you dearest reader, I swear by Moses, by the blue Lilly plant. In fact I would burn in a bush like Daenerys Targaryen to prove that this had never ever happened before).

My ruse always worked and after a few months, once the lust and passion had fizzled out. We always went our separate ways, as friends. I, to continue my heavenly mission with religious fever spreading yogic love and she having been in the presence of a demi lord would live to tell her great grandchildren about her meeting a real life Yogi master…

Needless to say, all eyes were on me… I’d never experienced such a shock and a low in my life as if I was being accused of being a Pakistani Uber driver with a white Toyota Prius

I was at the lowest point of my life, my wife Sally that I had no idea about, stormed off, I never saw Sally Ann-Jovi again, I have no idea what happened to my seven daughters, I had no idea about what had just happened but all eyes were on me as I shape shifted out of Costa.

There is no conclusion as this is real life and I am embarking on a journey to find more partners from my past lives. Until we meet again.

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Liam Dailey

Content Writer at giggle-gazette.

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Sally Ann-Jovi, The Yoga Instructor

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Liam Dailey

Content Writer at giggle-gazette.

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