Some parents have an uncanny ability to
Hi, my name is Matt and I guess. Some parents have an uncanny ability to name their children according to how or what they can aspire to, so I could have been called Alexander after Alexander the Great. I could have been called Napoleon after Napoleon Bonaparte. I could even have been called Hannibal after the great Carthagian leader. But oh no, my parents decided to call me Matt.
Why? You wonder.. Matthew is a nice enough somewhat average and a touch of the ordinary name
I guess named after one of the gospel writers I had a lot of Chrisitan values to live up to and to be honest I tried but the world around me just wasn’t having any of it.
…and obviously being such a name, whoever came into contact with me resorted to calling me Matt, just a plain old rug of a name.
As I grew up, I noticed lovers, friends, family, bosses, even mere acquaintances would walk all over me. All it would take was a chance encounter, a knock on the door and before you knew it I’d be singing hymns at the local Jehovah Witnesses temple and signing up to the yearly WatchTower magazine Subscription, something Ii had no intention of reading but somehow felt pressured into signing up .
Just from relationships, going sour. To bosses taking advantage off my nonchalant unassuming nature, to business partners running off with my money.
As it happened one day i was sitting alone on the bus. The bus was packed with daily commuters but strangely no one wanted to sit next to the only man dressed in a Marks and Spencers grey suit. The bus hummed along its diesel engine purring a relaxing melody. I had never noticed the posters on the windows before but today one in particular caught my eye.
It was for a comedy course at a local adult learning centre. As I was long term unemployed I thought it would be a great and fun way to pass a few hours per week.
The local adult learning centre was an interesting place
The local adult learning centre was an interesting place it had two full time obese receptionists who would have easily made it into the gestapo, except there would be no secrets they policed the reception like a pair of overfed owls tooting and tweeting the rumour mill they managed was a mega plex of a corporation even though we were assigned the same room every week with our haughty slightly manic, MDMA driven teacher these two fat ladies made a meal of it making the class wait sometimes for up to 30 mins as there always seemed to be double bookings or a health and safety check. This was bureaucracy at its best they would have dovetailed well into any local authority government body making and creating paper trails for no logical reason.
I enjoyed sitting in the waiting area just voyeuring. This was a movie night for me, a fully clothed BBW porn movie at its best.
For our comedy course Sheila, our comedy course instructor, advised that we needed to carry out a live performance in one of the halls of the learning centre. This would act as our final portfolio, failing to carry out a live performance would mean we could not pass and get certified. I always played the class clown but this was much harder than i imagined. The course was very difficult for most students as it required creativity and this was an area of my life that was indeed lacking
Most of the lessons centred around world association so she would start with fruit and we would write lists of word associations and try to link them to make funny associations, but it didn’t work. Most of the time we’d start with “fruit” and someone would shout out “shoot” then “flute” and somehow we would end up with “Shit” . It was amazing to everyone in the group how every word association would inevitably end up with “shit.”
The 6 week course flew by and before I knew it I was back in reception sitting staring at the two fatties trying to make up material for my upcoming live performance. I started off with two fat birds then somehow ended up at turd (see… shit again!) but finally I had a string of about 4 jokes that i linked together something along the lines of
Two fat women walk into a supermarket .
The shop assistant, seeing them both struggling on their mobility scooters asks, “What can I get you ladies?”
One of them says, “We’ll take everything.”
The other one adds, “And a diet soda.”
later on that day they both attend a weight loss fitness spa and found themselves sitting ni a sauna to shed some extra weight
One says, “I think I’m sweating butter.”
The other licks her arm and replies, “Nope, that’s gravy.”
After the sauna they both make their way home but get stuck in the elevator to their apartment, on realising they are stuck panic sets in and one says, “We should call for help.”
The other says, “Or just wait. One of us will get hungry soon!
later on they go on a group trip to blackpool in specially kitted coach for fat people, whilst in Blackpool they win a raffle ticket prize and that’s to go bungee jumping, the bungee jumping company at first were hesitant but eventually allowed the light of the two to get on the bungie, it was a new fairground ride for Central Pier and they drew a large crowd of baffled onlookers
After the first one jumps the second one says, “Did you hear that snap?”
The blushing instructor replies, “Yeah… that’s not the rope that’s the effin pier
Finally after a harrowing day of shuffling along the pier our fat ladies finally make it to there specially reinforced bed and both are feeling ravenous, they are naked and sweaty and in bed when
One says, “Are you on top of me?”
The other says, “No… that’s just gravity giving up.”
That was it, that’s the best i could do and my Act and my material would have to last for 30 mins. I needed to come up with more fun stuff. However the more times i change the jokes to make them funnier the more stressed i became and everything ended up as shit…it was a constant see-saw feelings between constipation of ideas waiting for the big breakout break through and then a constant splattering of Diarrhea with thoughts of freezing on stage ..stage fright is a real fear i realized as the day grew closer.
The day came, a sleepless night, the same four jokes, scrambled on scraps of paper, crumpled in my back pocket. It was going to be a disaster, I thought then checked myself and admonished my negative thoughts. I was glad I was in last place on the circuit three of the other students were before me, one of them Sharon i’d taken fancy to…(more on her in another blog)
I thought to myself if Sharon looked at me and smiled I would be OK, in truth I’m sure Sharon didn’t even know I existed, this was all in my head I made sure I wore my lucky necklace, i didn’t step on any cracked paving slabs, I even did my ablutions memorised all four jokes like a prayer and tried not to break wind all day, finally the evening was upon us.
The Midlands Art Centre was where the course ran and one of the small halls was fashioned into a theatre most probably by another group of disability adult students who were studying interior design, the venue was a small hall with a stage at the front, it resembled more of a pub space, small tables and chairs littered the tight room there were a few happy birthday balloons from a previous function scattered around the place however the hall had a set of super strong ceiling lights too strong in fact, from the stage the lights were so bright you could not see the audience.
This evening, I was told the room was full, supposedly of friends and family who were supposed to be there for support, however I didn’t have any family let alone friends. Blake went first and got a few laughs, if this was a western you could see tumbleweed just rolling across a dry, arid, landscape, Sharon went next and she came back in tears she had forgotten her lines and the crowd simply bayed for blood they were merciless and Sharon looked at me through tears running down her oh so delicate, satin, white beauty, I wanted to hug her, I didn’t feel any sympathy but thought i’d be a good excuse to break the ice, it never happened, I simply froze after Sharon, Eustace went next I was hoping he wouldn’t turn up, he told me he only attended the course as the jobcentre had threatened to close his benefit claim but he was one of these naturally funny guys and his deep set Nigerian accent made him more funnier.
My turn came next it felt an eternity but the time had arrived Eustace was a towering 6 foot 2 Nigerian man i don’t think anyone understood him as there was a deathly silence when my turn came i walked on the 6 foot by 4 foot stage and to my horror the microphone was set too high Eustace had pulled it to meet his frame and now me being a smudge over 5 foot i was having trouble trying to reach for the top of the microphone and then trying to set it to my height.
I was in front of the audience on stage and there was a deathly silence. The only sound that could be heard, a bit too loud, was my fumbling with the microphone over the speaker system. I was desperately trying to loosen the screw cap in order to adjust the height of the microphone. I felt like a virgin with a condom for the very first time, I knew eyes were on me and I couldn’t even open the wrapper and when I finally managed to open the wrapper I couldn’t work out which end to roll out, this was deja vu all over again.
I caught the two fat ladies from the corner of my eye, I finally managed to get the microphone at the right height and on doing so someone in the audience shouted “Tally Ho!” in an exceedingly posh tone and I got a round of applause. This was my first big break. I thought the audience was finally with me. I shouted through the microphone “ Nice to see you To see you….” and paused then someone in the audience shouted “Nice”
This was a phrase made famous by TV presenter and comedian Sir Bruce Forsyth in the 70s. Why I thought of it I can’t exactly recall, however it reminded me of lazy afternoons watching TV with my mum.
I then asked the audience “Can You see me?” This was not part of the act but in reality Eustace being of large stature had placed the microphone stand at the very front of the stage and it felt awkward for me i felt safer having the microphone in a more central position on the stage there was a sickening loud whistling sound emanating from the microphone so by moving it i would get a better spot with less sound static someone in the crowd shouted
“Step back!” and I took a step back. The crowd erupted in a round of applause, the first applause all evening i was revelling in stardom first the MAC centre, then Britans got Talent i thought. After taking a step back and adjusting the microphone someone else shouted.
“Step back” and then a chant started in unison with enthusiastic clapping from the crowd
“Step Back, Step Back, Step BacK”. I took another step back and again the crowd erupted in unison, i relaxed and started to laugh I then fumbled in my back pocket for my scrap of paper, but someone else shouted.
“Step back” and then the whole audience in unison chanted.
“Step back” with a round of applause punctuating the phrase step back, I obliged and with each step I received a raucous round of applause however now I found my back against the back of the stage.
I caught Sharon watching me, she must have been amazed at how professional I was, how funny I was, I must have looked really attractive. I held my arms aloft in adulation, this was the beginning of my fame, the lights were bright and I could feel the heat on my face like sunning myself on a hot day at the beach.
I motioned to the crowd that i could not go back any further and i then looked at my crumpled piece of paper with my jokes on it even though the lights on the stage were bright i had to squint to see my first joke which i had mysteriously forgotten as i opened my mouth and before i could utter a syllable.
Someone again shouted “Step Back” Step back” and then the crowd began in one voice to chant “Step back”
I reached for the microphone and said “Thankyou folks you were really kind but I can’t step back. What shall I do?”
There was that deathly silence again and then someone shouted “Now fuck OFF!”
…and that ladies and gentlemen was the last time I went to the MAC centre and funnily I prefer to write about comedy and jokes!!!.
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